his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
