I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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