Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
