i would punch a child for taco bell
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just invented taco cereal.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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