My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
