she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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