Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
