Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
