You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think I just sharted jello shots
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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