One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
