I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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