I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
