Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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