I'm going to jail i love you
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
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then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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