my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
