Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
