that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
