Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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