someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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