my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
