allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
