I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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