we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
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You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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