i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
