Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
