Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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