and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
