I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
