I smell stomach acid.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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