did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
