***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
