There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
