i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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