I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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