oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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