Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
