She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
