I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
