Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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