you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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