just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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