You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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