I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.