Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
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No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...