My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
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Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.