your parents love me but you hate me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.