then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.