dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
