Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This house was built for laser tag.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
