tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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