his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
