But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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