quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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