i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
