OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
