I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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