God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
