Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
