the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
