The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
