Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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