At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
