Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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